How to: Loose a Guy in Ten Ways

January 25, 2011 § 3 Comments

This in no way erodes my sincerity in the title of that last post. Normally I really do disregard football. But in search of material that’s less somber than North African politics, why not the phallocentrism that is American football?  This is my one and only reference. Like those exuberantly priced superbowl commercials that cater to both men and women, I’m trying to be ethereal and tough at the same time with these defense approaches to warding off unwanted males. And I don’t have linemen to do my blitzing for me.  I guess a top-ten will do in lieu of one of those whiteboards that coaches use to draw out the play-by-play of eluding the offensive.

The playbook is as follows:

1.The underbite snarl, with a hint of drool. Inspiration courtesy of Nina Chattopadhya Menon. In this approach, you basically make a grotesque face and maintain it as long as possible.

2.the humdulillah. Loosely translates to “All praise be to Allah”, to be used as a response to any compliment. For example, when the offender says “Hey, nice ass” then raise your palms to the sky and say “All praise be to Allah!”

3.the zig-zag. Normally, the guys make no effort to hide their rubbernecking as you walk by. The follow you with their eyes as you walk past from start to finish, so why give them an easy target? Think of a football play, a moving target is harder to catch.

4.the adoption. Find the nearest group of girls or family or tourists, and be a tag-along.

5.the fake phonecall. Well, this one wasn’t my idea, but I think it’s applicable.

6.the smelly clothes. This requires the least amount of effort on your part. And since I have to wash all my clothes by hand, well, let’s just say this card shows up in my deck of cards from time to time.

7.the public shaming. This technique takes a bit of training in the off season to get straight, but once you fine-tune your trash talking vocabulary, you can say things like “This boy is the shame of Morocco!” and old ladies usually will gladly take it over from there.

8.the china doll. Hey, if I’m going to be confused for Chinese, why not work it? Guys, especially the ones who switch languages often in search of a reaction, usually don’t have Mandarin in their repertoire.

9.the retort. Also takes a bit of knowledge of the language, and is a slippery slope. But, given that you are not alone, you can always use the equivalent of “drop-off lines”. For example, to respond to “OHHH We have beautiful women in the Maghreb!” I once said, “But no handsome men!” But I should note that the first time I tried that line, I mixed up my derija and accidentally said something more along the lines of “But I have no man.”

10. the Helen Keller. No, this doesn’t mean talk with your hips.  This is the most tried and true approach, the lateral-pass-to-run-in touchdown of approaches. Just pretend not to hear or see them and don’t speak. Ignore ignore ignore.

And, the ultimatum. AKA, why I carry pepper spray. I’ve used all of the aforementioned approaches, but I hope to never resort to this one.

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